a challenge and an apology

Now that I have my first month as 'blogger' under my belt, I have decided to add a little pep in my step for May. I must warn you, it involves excessive blogging. Every. Single. Day, to be exact. Or, at least that's the goal.

I will be embarking on a 31 day challenge: Blog Every Day in May. After some debating with myself and a little coaxing from my my sister-in-law Laurie, I've decided to accept the challenge. I'll admit it sounds a bit intimidating. Of course, there's no harm done if I skip a day here and there. So, why not? Also, as I'm new to this whole blogging/writing endeavour, I figured this would be a good way to get my creativity juices flowing if you will.

I apologize in advance if you grow tired of my frequent and random pieces of writing to follow. My feelings won't be hurt{too much}if you decide to opt out until June. And to all others...some fun and downright random posts are coming your way. ;)

{Tomorrow: The Story of My Life}

learning how to breath again

In light of NIAW{National Infertility Awareness Week}, I wanted to share my story. My goal is not to make you sad or to receive pity, but to give hope and encouragement. I feel that by sharing your story, you can find healing.

It's funny how one makes plans and then life turns out all together different. Proverbs 19:21 says,{Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails}. This verse has always been a challenge to me{I'm a control freak!}, but at the same time an absolute comfort knowing that whatever happens in my life it is according to His plan. Our trials in life do not catch Him off guard.

21 months ago we decided to go off birth control and "see what happens". Within three months I was pregnant. I was shocked. No, in disbelief. Conceiving wasn't supposed to be this easy. You see,  my body doesn't exactly function "normally" in the sense of baby making. My cycles are extremely irregular due to a hormonal imbalance. So, I was expecting troubles and difficulties with bearing a child. In fact, I was down right at peace with it! I can still remember as if it were yesterday seeing the second pink line slowly appear on the pregnancy test. I can still recall the way my hands were shaking as I picked up the phone to call Steve. And believe me, if I really thought I was pregnant I would've never broke the news to the father to be over the phone! And all while he was as work, none the less. Poor guy, bless his heart. I was almost certain it couldn't be real. It was a mistake, a false positive. I could sense he too was shocked. Trying very hard to refrain his excitement he said, "take another test, just to be sure". So, that I did. Another positive. I remember standing in the shower just saying "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus". I don't remember if I was thanking Him or if I was just crying out in disbelief and hope at the same time. It was probably both.

Weeks passed as we informed our family and close friends of the good news. We were over the moon! At 7.5 weeks we got to see and hear our baby's heart beat. It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. It was the sound of life. And it was growing inside me.

Less than two weeks later, our dreams would come crashing down. They could not find the heart beat. The baby had died. There was no time for thinking or processing, the sobs just poured out of me. It felt as if someone was suffocating me. I could feel a physical heaviness on my heart. My soul literally hurt. As I'm typing out these words I am almost taken aback at the way my chest feels likes its being twisted into a knot. Though with time the hurt lessens, there will always be scar on my heart.

The months following the miscarriage were probably the darkest times of my life. I'm still working through the whys and wonder often what the purpose and reasons were for having to endure such a heartbreaking experience. I've asked myself, why would God allow me to get pregnant so easily{with my condition} only to have it taken away? What was the point of all that? How can you get over something like this? Even though my pregnancy only lasted nine short weeks, I will always cherish that time I had carrying my baby. I had planned and dreamed about a future with my child. Just like any mother to be might do, I wondered what he or she would look like, I wondered about personality traits. I obsessed over what we would name the baby, and the list goes on.

Looking back, I am so thankful for the wonderful support we had from our family and friends. My heart will be forever sensitive and burdened for couples that experience the grief of pregnancy loss. It is a hard road traveled. I will never be the same again. I can honestly say my faith has never been tested more.

I also think God was{and still is!}asking me to trust Him, to really trust Him. I have been pondering the words of Job{1:21} despite his great suffering: {"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.”} The Lord gave me this pregnancy. And for reasons I will probably never understand, He took it away. But, He has proven to me over and over again that through all of this pain, He has never left my side. I can distinctly remember numerous times of crying myself to sleep and only being able to utter the Name of Jesus. I could feel His presence. I could sense His loving arms wrapped around me. I could hear Him gently whisper "trust me, I love you, I have hope and a future for you". {see Jeremiah 29:11}.

Oh Lord, it still hurts so much. Even after 16 months. But, I have learned what it means to be completely dependent on God, because He was all I had left. I was at a cross roads. I could choose to either trust Him, or allow bitterness and anger to reside in my soul. I have chosen to say "Blessed be the name of the Lord", even in the midst of my suffering.

Whatever I am going through, I have found it is always worth it to choose Him. He is worth every question and heart ache I have. Because when all else fails, He is the only Faithful One. He is a Constant. My heart is comforted knowing He is in control. His unfailing love has been slowly and gently untwisting the knot in my soul. He is the true Healer, and I am learning to breath again.

{I got my first tattoo in memory of my angel baby. It's a celtic heart that represents "motherhood"}

NIAW

I recently found out that April 21-27 is NIAW{National Infertility Awareness Week}. You can read more about it here. I also stumbled across a blog called A Royal Daughter that has really inspired me to share my journey with you all. For the past four years, she too has been suffering through the journey of infertility. Her blog will be dedicated to infertility awareness for the entire week. It's her hope to offer encouragement and helpful resources for couples facing infertility, as well as for friends and family members of the infertile couple. I highly recommend you take the time to read through it. I know that my heart has already been encouraged by it.

A few facts about infertility: {taken from Amanda's blog}

• Approximately 1 in 6 couples in the United States are diagnosed with some degree of infertility each year. 
• "Infertility" defines the inability to conceive a child after one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse for women under the age of 35. Women 35 and older may be diagnosed after 6 months of unprotected, well-timed intercourse without conception. (The inability to sustain a pregnancy beyond 20 weeks is also classified as "infertility.")
• 30% of infertility is the result of an ovulatory dysfunction (i.e. there is a problem with the woman's ovulation cycle).
• 30% of infertility is the result of a problem with the man (i.e. sperm structure or production).
• Women who face infertility often describe their situation as "lonely," "isolating," and "painful."
• There is a large spectrum of treatments for infertility, with varying degrees of invasiveness and cost.

By sharing my story, I hope in some way that I can help or encourage those who are or know someone dealing with the pain and loneliness of infertility. You are not alone.

what keeps me up at night

I've always been a light sleeper. I'm also a fan dependent sleeper. Since I can remember I've had a fan in my bedroom. Steve blames me for turning HIM into a fan sleeper. I'm not feeling sorry. He falls asleep within minutes! Not fair.

The man likes to sleep. This is no secret to those close to him. On a Sunday afternoon, he savors the feeling of carpet against his cheek. If there's a fireplace near by? Forget it. He's out. My parents living room has carpet AND a fireplace. Add the back ground noise of a football game on TV and you might as well say sayonara. It's the simple things in life, right?

Steve sleeping at my parents house

While I'm tossing and turning, I will on occasion get to experience a bout of night terrors/sleep talking from the husband. These sleep habits apparently run in the Olsen blood. My sister in law, Laurie, can attest to this. {click here to check out her blog}

These incidences include but are not limited to:

::gets clothes from the dresser drawer to dress for work. at 11:30 pm. I calmly tell him it's not time yet, and he crawls back under the covers. snoring ensues.

::fiddles with radio alarm clock. buttons are being pushed frantically. music is being played. never once awakens.

::takes bed side table lamp. holds said lamp over wife's head. wife yells at husband. husband places lamp down all while remaining in slumber land. wife nearly has heart attack.

::and my all time favorite. wakes up in a cold sweat, sits straight up in bed, and in confusion cries out "where the hell am I?!" my husband RARELY curses. he was legitimately concerned for his well being, bless his heart.

{might I add he does not recall any of these incidences in the morning}

Stay tuned for more.

 

Steve sleeping on a plane

 

Steve sleeping poolside. In Bermuda. Rough life.

 

Steve sleeping in Jamaica. Circa 2005.  

 

 Jake, my dog. 

 

He likes to sleep too. 

These two make me smile.

vulnerability

I debated on when or If I should write about my journey with infertility. Do I really want to air out my dirty laundry, revealing the hurt and growing pains that come along with a trial such as this? Labeling it a trial just doesn’t seem to cut it. It’s a season in my life, and a chapter that has been ongoing. Ongoing for nearly 21 months.  I have decided, yes, I WILL write about it. After all, this is my life. This is where I’m at right now. It’s a part of me, whether I like it or not. As I process and work through this trial, I am reminded of the apostle Paul's words in 2 Corinthians 12...{“So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh…"} I feel ya, Paul. This thorn hurts, and it's not going away. At least for now.

Paul continues in verse 8 {“Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away…”} Again, I second that Paul! Although, If you multiply “three” by 100 you’ll get a better idea of how many times I’ve asked the Lord to take this away from me. But, oh how I’ve grown and changed and grown some more! Reflecting back on these past two years, I can honestly say my faith has been strengthened and my perspective has broadened. My heart has been humbled. I am learning surrender and what it truly means to trust Him.

Along the way, I have experienced(and still do!) the ugliness of self-pity. Self-pity is a beast. Allow it to take hold and it pulls you down to places you wish you hadn’t gone. Places of fear, doubt and anger. For a time, it feels pretty darn good to not fight anymore, to allow the feelings of envy and self-centeredness do what they will. But, it’s not a good place. If not careful, it will harden the heart and turn cold the soul.

I have found there’s only one way to replace life draining feelings to life giving. Prayer. Talk to God. Pray His Word. I love how Paul concludes with stating {“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness’.”} And for me, that weakness is infertility. It's a weakness out of my hands; out of my control. When I feel like throwing in the towel, I do my best to recall to mind a piece of truth from the Word. A promise to hold onto with all my might. He will pull through for me, He will provide grace and strength abundant. This is how His power is made perfect. He wants me so desperately to cling onto Him. To trust Him. To rest in Him. And so for now I will {“Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:14}.

::When my soul is dry and heart is heavy, His Word quenches and renews::

At the end of verse 8, Paul declares {“Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”} I feel like that is a good enough reason to share about my weakness. About my hurt and this thorn. It’s to somehow, someway bring Glory to God. It's to allow Him to work in and through me. It's so I can see and taste and touch His faithfulness, goodness, and love. {"That is why, for Christs sake, I delight in weaknesses...in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."vs 10} And for that, I am thankful.

rocketeer

To say my husband likes his hobby is an understatement. This hobby involves launching, and it involves a rocket(s). Not only that, but hours spent building, tinkering, and perfecting said rocket. Might I add that he builds it from scratch. It also involves  me, the wife, being patient and understanding. I really deserve some merit for this very act. ;) But, I love him, and he loves his hobby, so I guess that means that I also love his hobby? Hmm, not so sure about that yet. I will admit my squinting eyes are quite thrilled as they follow the rocket higher and higher into the sky after a successful launch. They are not always successful, you see. But, that's part of the fun of it, I guess. I'm still working on the understanding part of this hobby. 

So, today, I venture with my sweet husband to a place called Price, Maryland. A place where fellow rocket lovers gather to launch their masterpieces, or just to simply "ohhh" and "ahhh" over the creation of another rocketeer(correct terminology? I do not know). And today is a Saturday. I can't be left to my lonesome while Steve is gallivanting with fellow rocketeers(honey, correct me if I'm wrong). So, I shall join the ranks of rocketeers to try to appreciate and UNDERSTAND what the fuss is all about. This will be my second rocket launching event. The first was eventful to say the least. But, that story can be saved for another time. And it involved camping. CAMPING! I used to like camping, you know. Okay, I'm starting to rabbit trail...my apologies.

And for your viewing pleasure...

Isn't he just cute?

Proud rocketeer

Steve's current masterpiece in progress. Alas, it is not launch ready for today's festivities.

I'd say that's a big rocket.

Move aside Steve, Amaw wants in on the action.

P.S.- I looked up "rocketeer" in the dictionary and apparently it's a superhero from a comic dating back to the1930s. Good to know.



seasons and weather

Just like the changing of weather, our lives are not always going to be sunny, OR dreary for that matter. It’s a Friday, and today is raw and rainy. Not exactly a  cheerful, “I want to break out into song”  kind of day. But, when a new day dawns and the sun is bright and warm again, it’s a reminder that things are not always as bad as they had once seemed. Today is today. Nothing more, nothing less. It is a gift, whether the sun is shining or not. I am reminded of one of my all-time favorite scripture passages.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.”

Lamentations 3:23-24(NIV)

Every morning. Not most mornings, or some mornings, or even once a week. EVERY morning. What a comfort. What peace we can have, as believers, that His love, mercy and faithfulness are renewed over and over again.  Sometimes, I just need a change of perspective. I look outside through the rain drop covered windows and see gray sky. But, something catches my eye! I see bright green buds dotted on a tree as it sways in the rainy breeze. Spring is here! Winter is behind us, for now. Just like the changing of seasons, our lives are not always going to be Spring or Summer. But, no matter what season of life I am in, I will not be consumed, because of the Lords great love.

Happy Friday everyone!