As
many of you already know, I’m pregnant! I wish I could tell you it’s been
nothing but bliss and euphoria, but it hasn’t. Let me rephrase that,
medically and physically speaking, it
has been smooth sailing and mostly uneventful, and for that I am so
grateful. What I mean is, emotionally and mentally it’s been
exhausting. You see, pregnancy after multiple losses is hard to explain {read another woman's experience on
pregnancy after loss here}. It’s downright scary and exciting all at the same
time. There’s fear and hope, hesitance and longing, worry and wishing,
doubt and confidence, all wrapped up in tangled mess of emotions. Not to
mention the guilt you feel for even having
struggled with these things! After all, you’re pregnant! Quit worrying
and enjoy! Add to that the crazy pregnancy hormones and you’ve got
yourself a woman that’s fit for straight jacket. Ok, not quite, but you
get the idea. ;)
Our
doctor told us beforehand that at the 10 week ultrasound, if all was
well, we would be out of the “danger zone.” Sure, Doc, whatever you say.
This was my fourth pregnancy.
The previous three never made it past nine weeks. In fact, the doctor told us our chances of miscarrying this one was doubled because I got pregnant so quickly after the last miscarriage. So, naturally (I can
be such a Debbie Downer…but who could blame me!?) I assumed the worst
and braced myself for another lifeless babe to be waiting for me on the
other side of the screen. “And there’s the heart
beat,” the ultrasound tech said very matter-of-factly. Steve inched his
chair even closer to my side and squeezed my hand. That man, how did I
ever get so lucky? What a sweetheart. Maybe one day I’ll get him to
share the mans point of view on this subject.
He just doesn’t know it yet ;)
Gut
wrenching crying ensued on the drive home that day. Looking back I
probably should’ve pulled over considering I could barely see through my
blurred vision! Oh sweet, sweet
release. I was trying so hard to be strong leading up to that point. I
had sealed my heart so tightly that the emotions and the relief exploded
out of the seams of my soul. I had been holding this pregnancy at arms length for so
long, that when I finally allowed my heart
to start to accept the good that was happening I couldn’t handle it. I
was so used to crying tears of grief, but this time it was tears of joy.
Here
I am, well into my second trimester, and thank God all is well so far. But, even
at almost 22 weeks, I still struggle with doubt, fear and worry. Silly
thoughts come into my head like,
“If I start buying maternity clothes or set up the nursery, I’ll
jinx myself!" or "Something terrible will happen if I allow myself to enjoy
this pregnancy and let my guard down.” It’s a daily battle, but it’s
definitely a lot easier than it was in those first weeks. It takes a lot of faith and trust and just taking those
false thoughts captive.
In
church recently, we sang Oceans{Where my feet may fail} by Hillsong United and then
we read the scripture passage in Matthew 14 where Peter walks out on the
water to Jesus.
“So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus.
But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was
terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted. Jesus
immediately reached out and grabbed him.
“You have so little faith,” Jesus said.
“Why did you doubt me?””This is just what my heart needed to be reminded of. I need to constantly be asking God to increase my faith. As much as I know that this pregnancy is a blessing, it is also like walking on a raging sea with waves crashing around me. No matter what, I need to keep my eyes focused on Jesus. Every day I am learning how to open up my heart again, even at the risk of loss. I have learned that nothing in life is guaranteed, but I have also learned that life is full of unexpected blessings and surprises.
"When we lose one blessing, another is often, most unexpectedly, given in its place." –CS Lewis
