In light of NIAW{
National Infertility Awareness Week}, I wanted to share my story. My goal is not to make you sad or to receive pity, but to give hope and encouragement. I feel that by sharing your story, you can find healing.
It's funny how one makes plans and then life turns out all together different. Proverbs 19:21 says,
{Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails}. This verse has always been a challenge to me{I'm a control freak!}, but at the same time an absolute comfort knowing that whatever happens in my life it is according to His plan. Our trials in life do not catch Him off guard.
21 months ago we decided to go off birth control and "see what happens". Within three months I was pregnant. I was shocked. No, in disbelief. Conceiving wasn't supposed to be this easy. You see, my body doesn't exactly function "normally" in the sense of baby making. My cycles are extremely irregular due to a hormonal imbalance. So, I was expecting troubles and difficulties with bearing a child. In fact, I was down right at peace with it! I can still remember as if it were yesterday seeing the second pink line slowly appear on the pregnancy test. I can still recall the way my hands were shaking as I picked up the phone to call Steve. And believe me, if I really thought I was pregnant I would've never broke the news to the father to be over the phone! And all while he was as work, none the less. Poor guy, bless his heart. I was almost certain it couldn't be real. It was a mistake, a false positive. I could sense he too was shocked. Trying very hard to refrain his excitement he said, "take another test, just to be sure". So, that I did. Another positive. I remember standing in the shower just saying "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus". I don't remember if I was thanking Him or if I was just crying out in disbelief and hope at the same time. It was probably both.
Weeks passed as we informed our family and close friends of the good news. We were over the moon! At 7.5 weeks we got to see and hear our baby's heart beat. It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. It was the sound of life. And it was growing inside me.
Less than two weeks later, our dreams would come crashing down. They could not find the heart beat. The baby had died. There was no time for thinking or processing, the sobs just poured out of me. It felt as if someone was suffocating me. I could feel a physical heaviness on my heart. My soul literally hurt. As I'm typing out these words I am almost taken aback at the way my chest feels likes its being twisted into a knot. Though with time the hurt lessens, there will always be scar on my heart.
The months following the miscarriage were probably the darkest times of my life. I'm still working through the whys and wonder often what the purpose and reasons were for having to endure such a heartbreaking experience. I've asked myself, why would God allow me to get pregnant so easily{with my condition} only to have it taken away? What was the point of all that? How can you get over something like this? Even though my pregnancy only lasted nine short weeks, I will always cherish that time I had carrying my baby. I had planned and dreamed about a future with my child. Just like any mother to be might do, I wondered what he or she would look like, I wondered about personality traits. I obsessed over what we would name the baby, and the list goes on.
Looking back, I am so thankful for the wonderful support we had from our family and friends. My heart will be forever sensitive and burdened for couples that experience the grief of pregnancy loss. It is a hard road traveled. I will never be the same again. I can honestly say my faith has never been tested more.
I also think God was{and still is!}asking me to trust Him, to
really trust Him. I have been pondering the words of Job{1:21} despite his great suffering: {"
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.”} The Lord gave me this pregnancy. And for reasons I will probably never understand, He took it away. But, He has proven to me over and over again that through all of this pain, He has never left my side. I can distinctly remember numerous times of crying myself to sleep and only being able to utter the Name of Jesus. I could feel His presence. I could sense His loving arms wrapped around me. I could hear Him gently whisper "trust me, I love you, I have hope and a future for you". {see Jeremiah 29:11}.
Oh Lord, it still hurts so much. Even after 16 months. But, I have learned what it means to be completely dependent on God, because He was all I had left. I was at a cross roads. I could choose to either trust Him, or allow bitterness and anger to reside in my soul. I have chosen to say "Blessed be the name of the Lord", even in the midst of my suffering.
Whatever I am going through, I have found it is always worth it to choose Him. He is worth every question and heart ache I have. Because when all else fails, He is the only Faithful One. He is a Constant. My heart is comforted knowing He is in control.
His unfailing love has been slowly and gently untwisting the knot in my soul. He is the true Healer, and I am learning to breath again.
{I got my first tattoo in memory of my angel baby. It's a celtic heart that represents "motherhood"}