Safe in the Arms of Jesus

Today I would've been thirteen weeks pregnant. The end of that dreaded first trimester. Why dreaded, you might ask? Dreaded because all I know within those first thirteen weeks is fear and loss. So, I pray and I wait. I keep it secret, for I can't bear celebrating too soon. It's too risky. I must stay calm. I must protect myself and keep my hopes at bay. I hope for the best, but expect the worst. This is all I know of the first trimester. This is all I know of pregnancy.

I grasp tightly to any symptom or sign my body might give to prove that I truly am pregnant. Any relief from these symptoms scare me. I pray that God would make me feel sick again. I worry and I wonder. I hold on desperately to my sanity and my faith. As waves of nausea and exhaustion take over, I am at peace. I relish in the fact that I get to eat saltines and sip on ginger ale. I proudly endure days of headaches without complaint in order to ween myself off caffeine. I embrace being the designated driver, and cheerfully turn down that glass of wine. After all, I'm pregnant! What a blessing! What a gift! What a miracle! And I grasp tightly to this this dream. This dream that has turned turned into reality. And I do not want to let go.

Today, we would've announced to the world that it was finally our turn. It was finally our turn to be the beaming parents to be. It was finally our turn to receive the "ohhs" and "ahhs"  and "congratulations!". It was finally our turn to be dancing instead of mourning and rejoicing instead of grieving.

 

Instead, I share with you, my dear friends and family, that we have yet again lost another sweet and precious baby. It all seems so surreal. Is this really happening again? My eyes close slowly and I take a deep breath. Another dream has evolved into a nightmare. More pieces of my heart is broken. Can it be?

You can hear the pain and agony in King David's words at the beginning of Psalm 13:

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
    How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

My soul ponders these words. I empathize with David. Another version says "How long must I endure trouble? How long will sorrow fill my heart day and night?" {I am perplexed at those who say God's Word is irrelevant to them. How can you get more real with your pain than this?} I wonder if I will ever see my belly grow or know the sweet pains of labor. I wonder. And I ask God, why? After all, I was doing just fine with my infertility. I was at peace, I was learning to be content. And then, when I least expected it, I get pregnant! Surely this miracle was from you, God! Surely You saw fit that we were ready to be parents and blessed us with this "miracle baby". Why else would you give this to us, unexpectedly {we were taking a break from fertility treatments}, only to take it away? I do not understand, Lord. And I am struggling. I am upset that I have to grieve all over again. Grieving is painful and exhausting. I am told this is necessary. And I know deep down grieving is healthy, but it hurts. I just want it to go away. I want to hide and live in ignorant bliss. I don't want to think that I now have two babies waiting for me in heaven, rather than here on earth where I can love them and hold them.

This past Sunday in church as we were singing, my heart heard the Holy Spirit whisper, "your babies are safe in the arms of Jesus." And I believed it with my whole heart. My soul felt comforted as tears began to fill up my eyes. I was recently reminded by a friend to not focus so much on the actions of God, but rather the character of God. We may never understand or know the answers to our "whys", but I know that God loves me and promises to never leave me. And that is something I can hold onto wholeheartedly. 

 

image via Pinterest

Even though I have never met my babies, I miss them so much. To think if my pregnancies had gone well and that I would be a mom to two is hard to wrap my mind around. All I can do is wait and wonder. To Whom It May Concern by The Civil Wars has touched my heart recently. I realize the context of the lyrics is referring to a person longing for and missing a future soul mate. But these lyrics....it's hard for me to not think of my lost babies. It's a beautiful song.

"Why are you so far from me?...In my arms is where you are to be....How long will you make me wait?...I don't know how much more I can take...I missed you but I haven't met you."

Four weeks ago we walked into the ultrasound room anxious and excited. I would've been nine weeks. I remember it was as though you could hear a pin drop right before the ultrasound technician told us she could not detect a heart beat. Our baby had stopped growing a couple of days prior. She said she was so sorry and left the room to allow us to soak in the bad news. I almost felt like I could laugh. Laugh out in disbelief. Of course the laughing didn't come. I cried and I cried. Steve wrapped his arms around me as my heart metaphorically shook its clenched fist up at God. I remember thinking as the tears flowed, "you've got to be kidding me!" and "this can't be happening again?!". We were in shock. And our hearts broke and we held onto each tighter than ever.

Dear friends, I covet your prayers. Our faith is weak, but our Savior is strong. And so we take one day at a time. We do our best to focus on the good, on the blessings. He has blessed us with so much. It's funny how during the trials is sometimes when its easiest to see the blessings. I was reminded once again how blessed I am to have Steve by my side. I know many days I take him for granted. I thank God we have each other to endure this process of grieving and waiting together. Although my heart is torn and tattered, it is bursting with joy and love for my marriage and my dear husband. And so we walk side by side, hand in hand, doing our best to keep our eyes focused on Jesus.

 

The end of Psalm 13 goes like this...

But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the Lord’s praise,
    for he has been good to me.

Random Thoughts Tuesday

So, I wasn't feeling very inspired to write today. I was planning to skip RTT and save all my random thoughts for NEXT Tuesday. Wouldn't that be something? But then, as I'm sitting here on my couch sipping some boxed chardonnay {from a glass mind you} and feeling the cool breeze making its way through our open windows I thought to myself, yes, yes I will write! I can sense your relief. So get ready for a bunch of nonsense! I'll blame give credit to the wine.

There's a frozen pizza in the oven right now. Steve is mowing the lawn. It's an exciting Tuesday evening at the Olsen residence! Jake is moping beside me on the couch. You see, he about gave his momma a heart attack as he went into a barking frenzy. That jogger, I'll tell you what. Scary stuff. The same jogger that passes by our house every. single. day. Also, I may have suffered from a minor ear drum injury during the whole fiasco. TBD.

It feels like fall outside today. You can even see it in the clouds. The sky has a touch of gray and the air feels cool. I dig it. I'm SO ready for fall. But, isn't that how it goes? At the end of each season we long for the next. And before you know it you are wishing away the very season you longed for in the first place! Hmm, I'm feeling a life lesson moment here. 

Longing for fall may have something to do with moving into a new house. May. We are about to begin a new chapter in our lives. It's a chance to stake our claim on new territory. Start out with a clean slate...make new memories...annoy some unsuspecting neighbors with a very voicetress goldendoodle..etc etc. 

Furthermore, what's not to love about fall? The colors. The decorations. The boots and sweaters. The sitting around a fire with loved ones. Fall is the gateway to all things festive! Thanksgiving, my birthday{naturally} and Christmas! I already informed my mom I would be hosting Thanksgiving AND Christmas this year. And the next year, and the next. She just chuckled. I need to learn how to cook a turkey eventually! She thinks this "I got a new house and I want to play hostess with the mostess" drunken stupor will eventually wear off. We'll see about that, Ma. 

And speaking of the house...it appraised at value! Meaning, it's pretty much ours!!! Not many more hoops to jumps through now! Seventeen days, baby! But, who's counting? ;)

WHAT THE WHAT, IT'S AUGUST!

August is a big month for us. Big as in moving our selves and all of our belongings a whole five minutes down the road. Lord willing, we'll be in the new place in just three short weeks! I can't help but feel a bit nostalgic as we have been packing away the memories of our first place. Sniff. It's true that I have already mentally checked out of our house. She's treated us well, but we are feeling more ready than ever to settle into something a bit bigger with a bit more privacy. I've been imagining us lounging on our covered deck while taking in the view of our beautiful back yard. Happy sigh. I think I'm most excited that the yard is fenced in. This will make our lives as dog owners a bit easier. I don't mean to sound like a grinch neighbor, but I also don't appreciate the neighbor kids driving their power wheels through my yard as if it were public property. #townhomeproblems. That's right, I just used a hashtag in my blog. I like to keep things interesting around here.

I'm sorry to say I don't have any more pictures of the new place to share{some of you have asked}. I stole this one from Zillow. But, don't you worry. There's plenty more where that came from!{hello home alone 2 reference}

We're starting off the first weekend of August with a bang. Two birthday parties for some of my most favorite people...my niece and sister-in-law. And! Steve surprised me with tickets to see Hillsong Live in concert on Sunday evening! "Now you can check it off your bucket list," he said. He's a keeper that husband of mine. He sure spoils me! It'll be one of those crazy non-stop fun busy weekends. We will somehow manage to get more packing done in between.

Here's to August!

Random Thoughts Tuesday

First off, can I just say I have the greatest friends and family ever? Things haven't exactly been easy lately, but oh do we feel loved on by so many! People may wonder, how can you say "God is good" in the midst of pain? He is the God that comforts {see 2 Corinthians 1:3-4} and he uses other people to bring comfort and joy, even when circumstances in life just plain suck. So, I just wanted to give a shout out to YOU! You know who you are. My mom. My sister{s}. My dear sweet friends. My church family. My Steve. And the list goes on. Even my pain in the butt goldendoodle brings comfort! When he curls up on the couch beside me and rests his head on my lap...I can't help but say, thank you Lord! You are good! Okay, maybe that sounds silly, but it's true! You just have to {do your best} focus on the blessings. Even when I am hurting, I can't help but feel blessed and thankful for my loved ones. Thank you God for providing what I need in the moment.

Secondly, I can't remember the last time I went to Wal-mart. Just throwing that out there. I usually HAVE to go there about once a month to stock up on bathroom essentials such as shampoo and toothpaste...they're just too expensive at the grocery store. BUT, I'm so excited that I discovered Amazon {let's just take a moment to thank The Lord for Amazon} also has most of these items for the same price, if not cheaper! I'm an Amazon Prime member {so worth the 80 bucks a year} so most of the stuff gets shipped for free in two days! Win win! Maybe you too can skip a trip to Wal-mart by doing this. You're welcome. 

As I type this I'm listening to Pandora. I'm singing along to the song I and Love and You by The Avett Brothers. Another great band! And guess what?! Allison introduced me to their great sound. Fun, easy to sing along to music. Bummer is I found out they're playing in Philly when we'll be vacationing in the Outer Banks. Well, that's not the bummer. The timing is just a bummer. Oh well! I suppose I have been to enough great concerts this year. Speaking of which...

Hear ye hear ye! The Olsen's are going to see 30 Seconds To Mars live in concert at the end of September! Score! The excitement cannot be contained. Mumford & Sons take two! Although this time we get to see Jared Leto {ladies, can I get a swoooon} instead of Marcus Mumford. We will have fun.  

Indeed, there will be much to blog about coming up in the next several months.

I gotta wrap this up because we're heading on over to Olsen Central for dinner tonight! Woot woot! We normally don't go more than a week without seeing one another and it's been...what...ten days?! Say it ain't so! A mid week meeting of the Olsen's had to be in order. Bonus, my brother in law can cook like it's nobody's business. Thanks, Matt! 

Have I mentioned before that I have THE cutest niece and nephew ever? It's true. And I'm not just saying that. It's a fact.

See?

I'll end with this thought. Lets try to focus on the good in our life, because let's face it, there will always be some sort of bad happening. On the other side of the coin, there is always something to be thankful for. You know how that song goes..."count your blessings...name them one by one...count your blessings see what God has done..."

Anyway...happy Tuesday! At least it's not Monday. See? I'm focusing on the good. It's not too hard. Just takes some practice :)

Random Thoughts Tuesday

Randomness. That's what I will write about on Tuesday's. Whatever is going through my mind I will attempt to spill out onto my blog. I know the excitement is hard to contain! Apparently this is what bloggers do. Pick a day of the week. Write about a certain subject or topic. I thought I'd create my own. Only difference is there's no specific topic OR subject. Bear with me.

Last night we had the whole house/termite inspection for our new home{eek!}. Overall it was very uneventful. Although, I may or may not have skipped around in the yard and did a ballerina twirl or two throughout the home. Other than some minor issues, and the fact that we couldn’t find the switch to turn the gas fireplace on, I’d say all went well! No signs of termite damage, either. Phew! I feel it's worth noting there was a 1990’s radio/cassette tape player mounted under the kitchen cabinets. The tape inside was the dirty dancing soundtrack. My only question is, since it’s attached, does this mean it’s ours?

Here’s another sneak peak of our future home. A lovely view into the backyard. Happy sigh.

Moving on...

What I’ve been listening to as of late: Fleet Foxes. I will say I have to be in the mood to listen to them. It will look as though Steve is in pain as soon as I mention them. It’s really not that bad, people! Steve is just critical and does NOT appreciate my taste and variety in music. Oh but his voice! {the singer, not Steve’s} It’s beautiful. SO WHAT if it’s a bit over the top in the “mountain music” genre?! {is this even a genre? I do not know}. My sister Allison introduced the band to me while I was visiting her in big, beautiful Montana. Ding ding ding! Now things are starting to make sense. ;) I will ALWAYS trust my sister’s taste in music. After all, she introduced me to The Lumineers. Enough said. Fleet Foxes' sound would be best enjoyed on a long road trip, or while enjoying nature on a hike in Glacier National Park with a granola bar in hand. Kidding! Sort of. I’m really into their album “Helplessness Blues” right now. A favorite song that I’ve had on repeat is this. I'm loving this album. Oh the sweet harmony! It's just pretty. Easy to listen to. My ears are happy. I’ve been singing it to myself all week. I just love music.

image via pinterest

The End.

we bought a house! almost.

What started out as a spur of the moment crazy idea on the deck at my parents house, turned into the pending sale of our home and pending purchase of our dream home! All within six weeks, mind you! Who says the real estate market is slow, anyway? Ha!

Preparing your home for the market is no easy task. I thought I was organized. I thought we didn't have clutter. I thought we would stick a for sale sign in our yard and call it done and done. I thought wrong. There was lots to do, people. I wanted to heed my agents advice and purge, minimize, and de-clutter. That was the beginning of May. Fast forward four weeks and our home is ready for the market! Not only did we organize and make our house look as "model home like" as possible, we added tile back splash in the kitchen{thanks Jordan!} and a brand spanking new faucet to complete the look. When all was said and done, we were proud as can be of the result. Only regret? Why didn't we do this sooner?!

Fast forward to mid June. No showings. No interest. The end of June rolls around and all we can account for is one measly showing. Frustration sets in and our minds get geared up for the long haul. And then, bam! We got four showings within one week! We were encouraged by the sudden interest in our home and prayed and hoped someone would love it enough to buy it. July fourth weekend I got a text from my agent saying a buyer wanted to look at it a second time! Long story short, our home is under agreement and we couldn't be more thrilled at how quickly and effortlessly it sold! All of our hard work paid off.

And so, the fun part begins! House hunting! I've spent hours and hours of my life watching House Hunters on HGTV{just ask Steve. Or my mom}. It was finally our turn to nitpick, tour homes, and enjoy the ride{at least this was the goal}. After looking at some not so perfect homes that we sort-of-kind-of convinced ourselves we liked, along came a new listing that would soon be deemed our dream home! As in never thought we could find or afford kind of dream home. We are over the moon in love with it. Steve and I both equally. And that's saying a lot. Of course it's not for sure yet...we need it to appraise, we need our financing to come through, we need inspections etc etc, but we're on the right track! And we can hope and pray and dream that it all works out.

A little bit about said dream home:

-The back yard is freaking amazing...a covered deck AND a huge patio. It backs up to a mini-forest{half of the lot is wooded} so there's lots of trees and privacy.
-The yard is fenced in. You're welcome Jacob.
-There's not only one, but TWO fireplaces. One in each of the TWO family rooms.
-It's move in ready...maybe needs paint in a room or two? Hallelujah!
-There's a rocket room. You're welcome Rocket Man.
-It has that warm-fuzzy-I-want-this feeling as soon as we walked through the door. This is important, my friends.

Okay, I'll stop now. I'm sorry if it appears that I'm showing off. I'm just very excited{!!!}. It's only the most expensive purchase of our 20 something lives. I can't tell you how many times I've texted "eek!" to my family and friends this past week. Just ask Laurie.

Here is a sneak peak of the back yard. The rest will have to wait until we are holding the keys in our hands.

Stayed tuned, so far things have been progressing without a hitch. Fingers crossed!

Next up, packing.

Happy weekend! :)

Relay for Life

Wow. It’s July! I apologize for my absence from the blogosphere. I guess I’ve been…busy? Pre-occupied? It’s Summer for goodness sake! I guess that’s about the best excuse you’re going to get for now. I know, not much of a strong case.

But here I am, right? That’s what counts. After much coaxing and begging from my  hundreds of followers mom and sister-in-law….here. I. am. {strike through words idea stolen from Laurie...given where credit is due.}

Let’s go back three whole weeks. The weekend of Relay for Life. This is what I will talk about today. It’s worth noting and worth highlighting. Even if it is three weeks late. It was an absolutely gorgeous weekend. Weather could not have been more perfect. Since the event was all outdoors this was a huge plus. Relay for Life is an annual movement that raises funds and awareness to save lives from cancer. Each year more than 4 millions people in over 20 countries participate. It is a time to celebrate with survivors what they’ve overcome. It is a time to remember those who were lost to the disease, and honor those who are currently fighting it. The event inspires participants to take action against a disease that has taken too much.  You can learn more about Relay for Life here.

My family has attended Relay since 2005. It was extra special this year because my mom was selected as the honorary survivor and my dad, the honorary caregiver. Heart bursting with pride! She shared her story in front of hundreds and did great. I don’t think there was a dry eye in the whole place. We are so so thankful that she is alive and well and with us today. Thank you Jesus.  Here is shortened version of her story:

I was born and raised in Lancaster County, most recently living in the Denver/Adamstown area along with my husband, Ben and our youngest of five daughters, Erin. We were living the American dream until one day at the age of 41 I discovered a lump and then had my first mammogram, followed by an ultrasound and biopsy. The nurse’s face became a blur when she uttered the words “you have cancer”. Invasive Lobular Carcinoma, a rare type of breast cancer. I was treated very aggressively, with surgery, chemotherapy, then radiation. “Hope has been my anchor”- May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him. -Rom 15:13a.

My first Relay for Life experience was in 2005, shortly after my treatments. I was encouraged by a friend to go to the survivor’s reception and was glad I did. Cancer was very foreign to me but I soon realized I was not alone. I continued to participate at Relay and regained my strength.  Then, 2 years later, I was diagnosed with Thyroid cancer. After surgery and nuclear medicine, I again was a cancer survivor! As time went on, I continued to take preventative medicine, along with yearly mammograms, but in 2011 I discovered a lump on my other breast. Could it be? Yes, cancer for the third time.  Another surgery, more rounds of chemo and another 6 weeks of radiation were ahead of me. We had more reason for concern because this time there were 14 cancerous lymph nodes, so they did further tests to stage the cancer. This was probably the scariest time of my life, but I am happy to report that the cancer did not spread and the final cancer staging was 3c.

After the treatments were over I remember a conversation we had during that time, my husband said, “Who gets cancer three times before the age of 50?” And my daughter, Allison, said without hesitation…”the ones that live!” We all looked at each other and thought, WOW, how profound! We have so much to be thankful for!

Today, I am a three time cancer survivor. I’ve celebrated 50 birthdays! I know I am a better, stronger person because of this journey God has walked me through. I am so thankful to Him, for my husband, truly my hero and best friend, my family, my friends and my co-workers at ENB for their love and support shown to me over these last 9 years. THANK YOU so much for your involvement at Relay for Life, I can truly say your efforts are not in vain. I’ll close with a quote from a Relay Newsletter, “My life will NEVER be the same, but because of cancer, it will ALWAYS be more meaningful”. Every day is a gift, cherish each moment. It has truly been an honor and a privilege to be your Honorary Survivor for 2013. 

-Lori Stayer

 The Relay for Life 2013 Honorary Survivor & Caregiver!

mom giving her speech 

cowokers, friends and family came to show their support

cutting the ribbon to start the Relay and survivor lap

leading the survivor lap with Team Lori!

Steve lighting mom and Amaw's luminaria

Dad's infamous marshmallow sneakers. kidding, dad! ;)

Love you mom and dad! You are truly an inspiration to me and so many others!

Happy July and happy weekend! :)