Let your heart be light...even when it's not

There's nothing like snow getting stuck on your dogs paws only to realize 30 seconds later that the snow was indeed dirty and now the snow has melted and there are dirty paw prints on the carpet.

But, that's neither here nor there.

Also! We have mice. It's only been five days and we have already caught FIVE. If I do the math correctly, that's one mouse per day. #gross 

Now that I got that out of the way...that being not very important at all in the grand scheme of things, we can move on to something I've been wanting to share.

My heart is heavy. And I won't go into much detail right now, but last month we lost our third pregnancy. A third child. A third dream turned to nightmare. I never thought I would be typing this, but I've had three consecutive miscarriages. These are not the words any woman wants to be typing or saying or claiming as her own. But it happened, and this is my life. No, life is not fair. It's messy and confusing and sometimes take-your-breath-away-because-you-just-got-punched-in-the-gut painful.

 
I don't know what it is but I just can't seem to get out of this funk. This no inspiration to write funk. More often than not I find myself staring at a white computer screen with the text cursor blinking mockingly back at me. Writing about happy and light hearted things is difficult when your heart is heavy.

So, this is me being honest. The words come easier when you speak from your heart.

To be quite honest I am tired. This may not make sense, but as of late I feel like my life is like a broken record playing. One moment you're enjoying the sweet melody of life, and then suddenly there's a horrible screeching noise. And then, nothing. It's so abrupt sometimes. The song wasn't supposed to end there. It's not finished, you tell yourself. There's still a melody to be sung, words to be spoken. But, isn't that how life is? We are told to never stop hoping, even if there are no guarantees. We are told to take a risk and jump blindly, even if we have no proof of a soft landing.

I think the reason I have been struggling to write on my blog is because, like the bible says in Matthew 12:34, "Your words show what is in your heart." Quite frankly, my heart has been filled with longing, sadness and grief. Who wants to write about that, or even read about that? 

When I started this blog I told myself that I wanted to be real. I wanted to be honest. Sometimes you just need to allow yourself to accept things for what they are. Sometimes they are sad. Sometimes they are messy. So messy it's exhausting to even think about.  

It's Christmas. The season of hope. As much as it hurts to hope, I never want to stop hoping. But, I'm also going to let myself struggle and question and be sad. 

My favorite Christmas song is O Holy Night. I normally cry as I sing the lyrics. 

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices

We are weary. This world is broken. Our lives are broken. There still isn't a cure for cancer. Relationships fail. death knocks at the door over and over again. Injustice often has the upper hand.

But He appeared.

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

Hope. I have hope because God loved me so much that he humbled himself to the point of taking on human flesh. To become a helpless baby. I have hope because the Father sent his only son to this earth so that He could ultimately die for me. He left glory so that you and I can have hope.

Hope: a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

No matter what happens to us on this side of eternity, I have the hope that one day there will be no more suffering.

"He will wipe away all tears from their eyes. There will be no more death, no more grief or crying or pain. The old things have disappeared.” Revelation 21:4

We are in the season of Advent. In Latin, Advent means "coming". If you look up Advent in the dictionary you will find this: The coming or arrival, especially of something extremely important. We celebrate the coming of something extremely important, indeed. It is the coming of Emmanuel 'God with Us'. But we must not forget that we are always in a season of Advent, four Sundays before Christmas or not. We anticipate the second Advent.

Come, Lord Jesus. Come.

. . .

God of Life,

There are days when the burdens we carry

chafe our shoulders and wear us down;

when the road seems dreary and endless;

the skies gray and threatening;

when our lives have no music in them

and our hearts are so lonely

and our souls have lost their courage.

Flood our path with light, we ask you;

turn our eyes to where

the skies are full of promise.

-St. Augustine of Hippo