This is me pretending to have a green thumb

Humor me. I'm trying! Okay, so clipping off Black Eyed Susans then placing them into a vase is not exactly considered gardening per se.... Buuut, I thought it'd be a great idea to take advantage of these cheerful wild flowers overtaking growing in my back yard. I'd say my thumb turned one shade greener today. 

^^^see? we've inherited a lot of Susans

^^^one of the happiest flowers if you ask me

^^^not too shabby, am I right?

^^^I just love that view

^^^this is where you say ohhhh and ahhhh

As you can see I was feeling outdoorsy this afternoon. So, right after work I went to Target to purchase spider pesticide spray stuff, as well other various items{this is not the outdoorsy part fyi}. Just in case you were wondering, we have a spider problem. This is to be expected they tell me. After all, half of our lot is wooded. And, since you are also probably wondering, yes, I am indeed arachnophobic. At an alarmingly high degree. I refuse to go outside at night. That's when they come out of their hiding places. The spiders around these here parts aren't your average run-of-the-mill spiders. I'm talking large and in charge big ass{literally} eight furry legged demons friends. It's safe to say they will be invading the home in no time at all, unless something is done. So, I came home, swept the deck of any cob webs, leaves and debris, and sprayed away to my hearts content. I also feel it's important to note that I used pet friendly spider spray. Just in case you were wondering whether or not I was a neglectful goldendoodle mom. I know you were wondering...admit it.

Spider saga to be continued...

Dream Home Becomes a Reality!

We did it! It's been five days and I can't get this silly grin off my face. Yes, this is how happy I am about said dream home turned into my home. Eek! It has been a whirlwind of a week, but boy oh boy, did we accomplish a lot!

First, I just wanted to take a moment to say how truly grateful we are to all of our friends and family that helped out during the big move. You guys rock! Seriously, though. Our new neighbors were very impressed with how many were here to support us. Nosy neighbors, I tell ya what. ;) No, but really. You are also the reason I am sitting here with a glass of wine, reclined on the couch and typing away. You see, there's really nothing major and/or urgent left for me to do {as far as unpacking is concerned}. So, thank you!

It was very odd saying good bye to our first house. After everything was moved out and cleaned up, Steve and I stood in our empty house with feelings of both relief and nostalgia. It didn't take long for me to make a beeline for the door in an attempt to stop the tears from flowing. I needed to get out of there, pronto! It was just too emotional.

So, in memory of and for your viewing pleasure...

^^^good bye first house. you've been good to us.

I will say that once settlement was over and the movers were gone, it has been nothing but smiles ever since! I keep asking myself, "is this really our house?" Or I'll tell Steve, "I can't believe we're here!" followed by "I love our house!" Needless to say there are no regrets. We have already met and spent time with several of our neighbors, and let me tell you, we seem to have won the neighbor jack pot if you will! More on that later. :)

Without further ado, here are some snapshots I took with my trusty side kick, the iphone.

^^^"why yes, i will indeed relax here, thank you very much." -me talking to my deck chairs

^^^preccciousss

^^^new house calls for new bedding, I say! from target, of course.

^^^enjoying the sunset from the deck. *happy sigh

^^^view of patio from the deck. hello future party space.

^^^view of the back yard from the deck. that's pinot grigio fyi.

And there's much much more where that came from. Stay tuned!

Where I sort of freak out a bit

 

And just like that, I begin to legitimately panic.

 

We're moving in one week. All of our crap, my four legged child, and my two legged husband, relocating five minutes down the road. Will it rain? Will it be sweltering hot? Will we have enough help? Will we have too much help?{nah} Will we get it all done? Will our bank account shrivel away to nothing?{precisely}

 

If you haven't already noticed, I tend to err a bit on the side of obsessive compulsive. Just a bit. I worry and fret things won't go according to plan...ha! The first step to recovery is admitting your weakness, am I right?

 

Oh goodness gracious, we are literally moving. This weekend we mean business, people. It's business time. On the agenda: pack up bedroom, bathroom, closets *yikes* and kitchen. That is all. Oh but with the anxiety comes the excitement! We are so thankful our home sold so quickly and effortlessly. We are so grateful we found our dream home not long after we sold our home. My lucky stars aligned just right. As far as real estate lucky stars go, I suppose. No, really. It sounds cliche, but it was totally a God thing! So, Thank you God. We know this was all You.

 

There's much to be done. So, quit pressuring me to post on the blog more, gosh! Just kidding, that's just my inner voice telling me I need to write more. Because I'm Oh. Cee. Dee. And apparently there's an unwritten rule somewhere in the blogosphere that says one should blog on average 3-5 times per week. Don't quote me on that, but I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere. Regardless, I break that rule quite frequently.

 

One thing's for sure. There will be a box of chardonnay at my disposal at all times. Is it strange that wine motivates me to get things done? Okay then, I'm just strange. Now if you'll excuse me -you readers are SO demanding- I have some packing to do.

 

Eek!

 

Random Thoughts Tuesday {DQ Style}

So I don't have much to say tonight. Mostly because it's getting late, and there's really not much worth sharing. But, it is RTT after all. So, instead of boring you with a lengthy post, I thought I'd bore you with some random kodak moments from this evenings visit to the local Dairy Queen with my parents.

Enjoy.

 

Look at me being all adventurous opting for a cone{chocolate covered nonetheless!} instead of a blizzard! I know...shocking, right?!

This isn't one of my most flattering moments if I do say.

Next time I'll stick with the blizzard. Less mess.

YUM! I just love ice cream. And Dairy Queen. And the sticky fingers you get after opting for a cone instead of a blizzard. NOT. Ah, life lessons I say! In layman's term: "less mess is best".

Until next Tuesday...

Safe in the Arms of Jesus

Today I would've been thirteen weeks pregnant. The end of that dreaded first trimester. Why dreaded, you might ask? Dreaded because all I know within those first thirteen weeks is fear and loss. So, I pray and I wait. I keep it secret, for I can't bear celebrating too soon. It's too risky. I must stay calm. I must protect myself and keep my hopes at bay. I hope for the best, but expect the worst. This is all I know of the first trimester. This is all I know of pregnancy.

I grasp tightly to any symptom or sign my body might give to prove that I truly am pregnant. Any relief from these symptoms scare me. I pray that God would make me feel sick again. I worry and I wonder. I hold on desperately to my sanity and my faith. As waves of nausea and exhaustion take over, I am at peace. I relish in the fact that I get to eat saltines and sip on ginger ale. I proudly endure days of headaches without complaint in order to ween myself off caffeine. I embrace being the designated driver, and cheerfully turn down that glass of wine. After all, I'm pregnant! What a blessing! What a gift! What a miracle! And I grasp tightly to this this dream. This dream that has turned turned into reality. And I do not want to let go.

Today, we would've announced to the world that it was finally our turn. It was finally our turn to be the beaming parents to be. It was finally our turn to receive the "ohhs" and "ahhs"  and "congratulations!". It was finally our turn to be dancing instead of mourning and rejoicing instead of grieving.

 

Instead, I share with you, my dear friends and family, that we have yet again lost another sweet and precious baby. It all seems so surreal. Is this really happening again? My eyes close slowly and I take a deep breath. Another dream has evolved into a nightmare. More pieces of my heart is broken. Can it be?

You can hear the pain and agony in King David's words at the beginning of Psalm 13:

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
    How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

My soul ponders these words. I empathize with David. Another version says "How long must I endure trouble? How long will sorrow fill my heart day and night?" {I am perplexed at those who say God's Word is irrelevant to them. How can you get more real with your pain than this?} I wonder if I will ever see my belly grow or know the sweet pains of labor. I wonder. And I ask God, why? After all, I was doing just fine with my infertility. I was at peace, I was learning to be content. And then, when I least expected it, I get pregnant! Surely this miracle was from you, God! Surely You saw fit that we were ready to be parents and blessed us with this "miracle baby". Why else would you give this to us, unexpectedly {we were taking a break from fertility treatments}, only to take it away? I do not understand, Lord. And I am struggling. I am upset that I have to grieve all over again. Grieving is painful and exhausting. I am told this is necessary. And I know deep down grieving is healthy, but it hurts. I just want it to go away. I want to hide and live in ignorant bliss. I don't want to think that I now have two babies waiting for me in heaven, rather than here on earth where I can love them and hold them.

This past Sunday in church as we were singing, my heart heard the Holy Spirit whisper, "your babies are safe in the arms of Jesus." And I believed it with my whole heart. My soul felt comforted as tears began to fill up my eyes. I was recently reminded by a friend to not focus so much on the actions of God, but rather the character of God. We may never understand or know the answers to our "whys", but I know that God loves me and promises to never leave me. And that is something I can hold onto wholeheartedly. 

 

image via Pinterest

Even though I have never met my babies, I miss them so much. To think if my pregnancies had gone well and that I would be a mom to two is hard to wrap my mind around. All I can do is wait and wonder. To Whom It May Concern by The Civil Wars has touched my heart recently. I realize the context of the lyrics is referring to a person longing for and missing a future soul mate. But these lyrics....it's hard for me to not think of my lost babies. It's a beautiful song.

"Why are you so far from me?...In my arms is where you are to be....How long will you make me wait?...I don't know how much more I can take...I missed you but I haven't met you."

Four weeks ago we walked into the ultrasound room anxious and excited. I would've been nine weeks. I remember it was as though you could hear a pin drop right before the ultrasound technician told us she could not detect a heart beat. Our baby had stopped growing a couple of days prior. She said she was so sorry and left the room to allow us to soak in the bad news. I almost felt like I could laugh. Laugh out in disbelief. Of course the laughing didn't come. I cried and I cried. Steve wrapped his arms around me as my heart metaphorically shook its clenched fist up at God. I remember thinking as the tears flowed, "you've got to be kidding me!" and "this can't be happening again?!". We were in shock. And our hearts broke and we held onto each tighter than ever.

Dear friends, I covet your prayers. Our faith is weak, but our Savior is strong. And so we take one day at a time. We do our best to focus on the good, on the blessings. He has blessed us with so much. It's funny how during the trials is sometimes when its easiest to see the blessings. I was reminded once again how blessed I am to have Steve by my side. I know many days I take him for granted. I thank God we have each other to endure this process of grieving and waiting together. Although my heart is torn and tattered, it is bursting with joy and love for my marriage and my dear husband. And so we walk side by side, hand in hand, doing our best to keep our eyes focused on Jesus.

 

The end of Psalm 13 goes like this...

But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the Lord’s praise,
    for he has been good to me.

Random Thoughts Tuesday

So, I wasn't feeling very inspired to write today. I was planning to skip RTT and save all my random thoughts for NEXT Tuesday. Wouldn't that be something? But then, as I'm sitting here on my couch sipping some boxed chardonnay {from a glass mind you} and feeling the cool breeze making its way through our open windows I thought to myself, yes, yes I will write! I can sense your relief. So get ready for a bunch of nonsense! I'll blame give credit to the wine.

There's a frozen pizza in the oven right now. Steve is mowing the lawn. It's an exciting Tuesday evening at the Olsen residence! Jake is moping beside me on the couch. You see, he about gave his momma a heart attack as he went into a barking frenzy. That jogger, I'll tell you what. Scary stuff. The same jogger that passes by our house every. single. day. Also, I may have suffered from a minor ear drum injury during the whole fiasco. TBD.

It feels like fall outside today. You can even see it in the clouds. The sky has a touch of gray and the air feels cool. I dig it. I'm SO ready for fall. But, isn't that how it goes? At the end of each season we long for the next. And before you know it you are wishing away the very season you longed for in the first place! Hmm, I'm feeling a life lesson moment here. 

Longing for fall may have something to do with moving into a new house. May. We are about to begin a new chapter in our lives. It's a chance to stake our claim on new territory. Start out with a clean slate...make new memories...annoy some unsuspecting neighbors with a very voicetress goldendoodle..etc etc. 

Furthermore, what's not to love about fall? The colors. The decorations. The boots and sweaters. The sitting around a fire with loved ones. Fall is the gateway to all things festive! Thanksgiving, my birthday{naturally} and Christmas! I already informed my mom I would be hosting Thanksgiving AND Christmas this year. And the next year, and the next. She just chuckled. I need to learn how to cook a turkey eventually! She thinks this "I got a new house and I want to play hostess with the mostess" drunken stupor will eventually wear off. We'll see about that, Ma. 

And speaking of the house...it appraised at value! Meaning, it's pretty much ours!!! Not many more hoops to jumps through now! Seventeen days, baby! But, who's counting? ;)

WHAT THE WHAT, IT'S AUGUST!

August is a big month for us. Big as in moving our selves and all of our belongings a whole five minutes down the road. Lord willing, we'll be in the new place in just three short weeks! I can't help but feel a bit nostalgic as we have been packing away the memories of our first place. Sniff. It's true that I have already mentally checked out of our house. She's treated us well, but we are feeling more ready than ever to settle into something a bit bigger with a bit more privacy. I've been imagining us lounging on our covered deck while taking in the view of our beautiful back yard. Happy sigh. I think I'm most excited that the yard is fenced in. This will make our lives as dog owners a bit easier. I don't mean to sound like a grinch neighbor, but I also don't appreciate the neighbor kids driving their power wheels through my yard as if it were public property. #townhomeproblems. That's right, I just used a hashtag in my blog. I like to keep things interesting around here.

I'm sorry to say I don't have any more pictures of the new place to share{some of you have asked}. I stole this one from Zillow. But, don't you worry. There's plenty more where that came from!{hello home alone 2 reference}

We're starting off the first weekend of August with a bang. Two birthday parties for some of my most favorite people...my niece and sister-in-law. And! Steve surprised me with tickets to see Hillsong Live in concert on Sunday evening! "Now you can check it off your bucket list," he said. He's a keeper that husband of mine. He sure spoils me! It'll be one of those crazy non-stop fun busy weekends. We will somehow manage to get more packing done in between.

Here's to August!