day 16: a difficulty in life

Life is filled with many difficulties indeed. I know I am much more fortunate than the majority of people living in the world today. It's hard to not turn this into a "woe is me" post. I hope you don't see this as a complaint. I am well aware how blessed I am. My life is good. But, there is one area of difficulty in particular that has been hard to ignore.

In more ways than one, something difficult about my lot in life has been and continues to be the struggle to get pregnant and have children. What comes easy{sometimes a little too easy it seems!} for many women, has been nothing but heartache and unknowns for me. I'd like to clarify, I'm not resentful of a new mom with her baby or upset at a  beaming mother to be with a bulging stomach. Mostly, I struggle with resenting how EASY is it for her to get pregnant and to have a child. For a lot of women, it's as simple as deciding when you want a baby, stopping all forms of protection, and BAM! Pregnant. It is hard to not be resentful when women get pregnant so easily, by accident, or to think how many don't even want to be pregnant! It's hard to NOT be resentful when we have gone through numerous medical tests, procedures, self injections, medications, attended countless appointments, and dished out a lot of money at an attempt at having what some women take for granted or simply choose to dispose of. I realize it sounds like I'm whining. I'm just trying to honest and real with you. It's just hard.

Traveling the scary road of infertility has changed my perspective on a lot. I feel a little bit more appreciative of what I do have, and a lot more sensitive about what others have and choose not to appreciate. That is all. And don't get me wrong! I know there are many wonderful, appreciative and loving mothers out there. I am honored to love and be loved by many of these mom's in my own life. Again, I know that I too am fortunate. I am beyond blessed. It's just very painful when I feel I've had that maternal instinct ingrained in me since I was a young girl, and yet keep coming up short changed. My journey with infertility is best described as a roller coaster ride. Up and down, up and down. Hope, then hopelessness. Success, then failure. It can be exhausting. I also am well aware that there are many other woman who have traveled the road of infertility a lot longer than I.

It has been 18 months since the miscarriage. My arms are still empty. My heart still has a hole in it. I'd be lying if I told you we were doing just fine. Sure, we have our moments. Moments of happiness, contentment and peace{in regards to infertility}. But, with that includes moments of denial, pretending we don't care or convincing ourselves that life is really better childless, anyway. We try. We try to be fine. I feel I have come a long way in adapting to this difficult 'lot' in my life. I know there is always hope. I know God has a plan, a purpose, and story tailor made just for me. I'm thankful for God's peace and love. I know He is good. But, it is still a very difficult thing to endure, nonetheless. Why can't I have a baby, Lord? Why are you making me wait{this long}? These questions flood my heart and mind. But, I know that God can see the bigger picture, and He has chosen to withhold that from me for now. So, I must trust. I must persevere. I must stay hopeful.

No matter what it is, a desire unfilled is painful. I'm sure many of you can relate.

Recently, I had the most vivid dream. I had a new born baby boy. He had the darkest, almost black, hair. I distinctly remember trying to nurse him. And then, I woke up. Surprisingly, I wasn't sad or upset by the dream. Instead, I was filled with hope. I felt the Lord saying to me, "be patient, Holly. In time, in time..."

I have hope that one day, I will be sombody's mommy. I don't know how or in what way exactly. But I will do my best to be patient in the meantime. I will do my best to treasure this childless phase in life with just myself and Steve. And, you can be sure I will most definitely relish in uninterrupted sleep. ;)

Thank you for letting me pour out my heart and thoughts to you. I know many are struggling with much more difficult and heartbreaking experiences. My heart goes out to you. But, please remember there is always hope. We have hope in the One who saves.

{Tomorrow: a favorite photo [of myself]}