vulnerability

I debated on when or If I should write about my journey with infertility. Do I really want to air out my dirty laundry, revealing the hurt and growing pains that come along with a trial such as this? Labeling it a trial just doesn’t seem to cut it. It’s a season in my life, and a chapter that has been ongoing. Ongoing for nearly 21 months.  I have decided, yes, I WILL write about it. After all, this is my life. This is where I’m at right now. It’s a part of me, whether I like it or not. As I process and work through this trial, I am reminded of the apostle Paul's words in 2 Corinthians 12...{“So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh…"} I feel ya, Paul. This thorn hurts, and it's not going away. At least for now.

Paul continues in verse 8 {“Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away…”} Again, I second that Paul! Although, If you multiply “three” by 100 you’ll get a better idea of how many times I’ve asked the Lord to take this away from me. But, oh how I’ve grown and changed and grown some more! Reflecting back on these past two years, I can honestly say my faith has been strengthened and my perspective has broadened. My heart has been humbled. I am learning surrender and what it truly means to trust Him.

Along the way, I have experienced(and still do!) the ugliness of self-pity. Self-pity is a beast. Allow it to take hold and it pulls you down to places you wish you hadn’t gone. Places of fear, doubt and anger. For a time, it feels pretty darn good to not fight anymore, to allow the feelings of envy and self-centeredness do what they will. But, it’s not a good place. If not careful, it will harden the heart and turn cold the soul.

I have found there’s only one way to replace life draining feelings to life giving. Prayer. Talk to God. Pray His Word. I love how Paul concludes with stating {“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness’.”} And for me, that weakness is infertility. It's a weakness out of my hands; out of my control. When I feel like throwing in the towel, I do my best to recall to mind a piece of truth from the Word. A promise to hold onto with all my might. He will pull through for me, He will provide grace and strength abundant. This is how His power is made perfect. He wants me so desperately to cling onto Him. To trust Him. To rest in Him. And so for now I will {“Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:14}.

::When my soul is dry and heart is heavy, His Word quenches and renews::

At the end of verse 8, Paul declares {“Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”} I feel like that is a good enough reason to share about my weakness. About my hurt and this thorn. It’s to somehow, someway bring Glory to God. It's to allow Him to work in and through me. It's so I can see and taste and touch His faithfulness, goodness, and love. {"That is why, for Christs sake, I delight in weaknesses...in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."vs 10} And for that, I am thankful.